Member-only story
- Almost all of your waking hours (and a few of your sleeping minutes) are spent hooked up to a portable slot machine called your phone. Like any elderly, chain-smoking, lonely lady in a casino, you can’t stop pulling the lever.
- You don’t read.
- Even if you don’t read, you don’t read anything serious, and if you do read anything serious, you don’t read deeply or re-read. You certainly don’t read in languages other than English.
- Subtitles bore you.
- You use buzzwords like ‘triggered’ without irony.
- You think Netflix is a cultural experience.
- You think the company you work for is designing an amazing product that will change the world.
- You enjoy watching ads.
- You automatically label anyone who tries to not be stupid (rejects 1–8) ‘pretentious.’
- You use the word ‘literally’ whenever you are trying to convey seriousness.
- You are impressed by the eloquence of your own Facebook posts.
- You believe in the authenticity of your Instagram self.
- You don’t think about your own death ever.
- You think having gone to grad school means you never have to think again.
- You think the news is just the facts.
- You spend significant time commenting on blog posts.
- You think the interests of corporations align with your true needs.
- You think Shakespeare is boring.
- You find yourself interesting.
- You think talking about TV is interesting and social.
- You think dystopia is a genre of fiction and not a description of our reality.
- You have no grasp of history.
